3 Little Pigs Meet Notsolittle Red Riding Hood
by Jedi Knight Padme
Summary: Stupid title, but not a stupid story! Red Riding Hood isn't so little, has an attitude, and teams up with the Big, Bad Wolf to catch three little pigs for lunch Madness, Mayhem, and Hilarity! Pretty please Read and Review!
1. Meet The Three Little Pigs

**Hello again! This is my second fic, my other one being 'A Fractured Fairytale'. Please read and review! **

Once upon a time, on the edges of a forest in Fairytale-Land, there was a small little cottage made of wood, with a thatched roof, and fireplace made out of bricks. In this cottage lived Mamma Pig and her three kids. Mamma Pig was very fond of her children, but she _did_ think that they were getting a little out of hand when her great-grandmother's Chinese painted plate was broken by a football sailing in from the living room. Mamma Pig decided that her children were too old to stay cooped up in the tiny cottage, and so she baked them a batch of Mamma Pig's Super Duper Chocolate Chip Cookies, washed their laundry twice over, and gave them enough food to stuff an army of starved frogs. Then she gently escorted them to the door, gave them a hug, a kiss, lots of advice, and settled down to read her book in complete peace and quiet. Meanwhile, the three little pigs (their names are April, May and June) went happily on their way. As they reached a fork in the path, they said goodbye (after squabbling over the last cookie, of course), and split up. April hummed to herself as she skipped along the path, feeling happy and free. Soon she came along a woodsman, looking quite frustrated. April could see why. His wheelbarrow, which had been full with logs, had toppled over, and logs were rolling every which way. April, being the polite pig she was, offered to help the poor woodsman, and he gladly accepted. In a few minutes, everything was cleaned up, and the woodsman was extremely grateful. He even gave April as much wood as she could carry, and she staggered away, muttering her thanks. April kept on staggering about until she reached a small clearing. Relieved, she dumped the wood down and sat on it, wiping the sweat from her brow. As she gazed at the wood, wondering what to do with it, she got a great idea. "I know!" she exclaimed, "I'll make myself a wooden house!" And so April worked hard for a whole day. When she was done, she stepped back and looked at her work proudly. In front of her stood a house, made completely out of wooden logs. April leaned against it, taking a rest, but she almost fell over as the house moved slightly. "Oh, well, it's good enough," she said dismissively. "It's not like a big, bad wolf and little Red Riding Hood are going to team up and try to catch me for dinner." She stopped for a moment and scratched her head. "Hey, who's little Red Riding Hood?" She shrugged and went in to relax.

At the same time that April met the woodsman, May passed a man who was carrying a bundle of straw on his back. But unluckily, the poor guy tripped on a stone, and the straw, which was not tied very well, went spilling onto the road. May felt sorry for him, and, remembering what Mamma Pig had taught her, offered her help. The man accepted gratefully, and together, May and the man gathered almost all of the straw. Before he went on his way, however, he gave May half of his bundle. May thanked him and continued on her way, sneezing the whole time. Luckily, she came upon a small clearing, and dumped it on the ground, wiping her nose with her handkerchief. She gazed at the pile of straw, wondering what to do with it. Then she remembered the thatched roof of her former home, and had a (not so) great idea. May immediately got to work, and at the end of the day had a really red nose and a cute little house made of straw. She leaned against it, but almost fell over as it swayed dangerously. "Oh, well," May said dismissively, "it's good enough, and anyways, it's not like little Red Riding Hood and the big, bad wolf are going to team up and try to eat me for dinner." She stopped for a moment, puzzled. "Hey, who's little Red Riding Hood?" She shrugged and went in, holding her handkerchief to her nose. The little house shook with the force of her sneezes as she went to bed.

At the same time that her sisters met the unfortunate men, June was hopping along, and soon _she_ came upon more unlucky people. This time it was a lady and her husband pushing along cartloads of bricks. Unfortunately, the wheels of both carts had gotten stuck in holes in the road, and the unlucky couple were crying in despair. "Please," sobbed the lady, "please help us. Our c-carts got stuck in the r-road, and w-we can't g-get them out. Please help us…" and she pressed her handkerchief to her face, her shoulders heaving. Her husband patted her back, trying to be comforting. "D-don't worry," he said sadly. "M-maybe th-this little

pig can h-help us out." He looked down at June, tears in his eyes. June looked at them suspiciously, but they didn't seem to be thieves or anything, so she gave them a hand. When they were done, the couple thanked June profusely, and gave her a whole cartload of bricks. June thanked them in turn, bade them good-bye, and went on her way. Soon she came upon a large clearing, and she dumped her bricks there. After staring at them, she remembered the brick fireplace at home, and had a great idea. She immediately began to build a house large enough to accommodate all her sisters and herself, and, as an afterthought, added a chimney that was quite large, but not big enough for a wolf to get through. Then, with the extra bricks, and a bit of metal she found lying around, she built a huge gate, guarded by her pet bulldogs. "It'll come in handy in case little Red Riding Hood and the big, bad wolf team up and try to eat us all up," she said to herself. Then she stopped and scratched her head, puzzled. "Hey, who's little Red Riding Hood?" She shrugged and went indoors to relax.


	2. Meet Our Villains!

**Hullo again! Still waiting for reviews! Come on, people!**

_**In Which Not-So-Little Red Riding Hood Is Kicked Out Of The House, And A Plot Is Hatched:**_

On the same day that the three little piggies left home, little Red Riding Hood (not so little now) was kicked out by her mom when she was caught making prank phone calls to her poor grandmother, who would faint at the very word 'wolf'. "I'm tired of you giving poor Grammy heart attacks!" her mother yelled at her. "Why can't you be a good girl, eh? You've never behaved, not even when Grammy was sick and you had to take her the basket. No, you went and hatched a wicked plot with the big, bad wolf to get her eaten up. It's a pity that the hunter let you out of the wolf's stomach after he gobbled you up too! Now skedaddle, shoo! I never want to see you again!" Not-so-little Red Riding Hood packed up her bags sulkily and left quickly, assisted by her mother's boot.

"Huh, a girl can't even make a prank call anymore," she muttered as she slouched away. "I think I'll just pay a visit to the big, bad wolf. Maybe we can team up and try to catch the three little pigs for dinner. Hey, who're the three little pigs?" She scratched her head and shrugged, then headed to the big, bad wolf's house. When she arrived, the big, bad wolf was sucking his paw, and crying. His big, bad mother was bouncing him on her knee and trying to soothe him. As Red Riding Hood neared the open door, she heard her big, bad friend telling his mother what happened. "M-Mummy, I got a h-huge o-owie! I-I was t-trying to catch the th-three n-not so l-little piggies for lunch, a-and th-they st-stopped me f-from g-getting th-them, a-and th-they burnt m-my t-tail! Waah! I-it's n-not f-fair! Boohoohoo!" His big, bad mother stroked his head comfortingly. "Oh, well, dear, Mummy will fix your owie. Come hear and I'll give it a kiss, and it will all be better," she said soothingly. The big, bad wolf sniffed and nodded, wiping away the tears from his eyes with a grubby paw. Suddenly he looked up and saw Red Riding Hood. He bounced up happily.

"Ooh, look Mummy, my friend's here! Can I play with her, Mummy, huh?" His big, bad mother fixed Red Riding Hood with a beady stare.

"Bring her in first, darling," she ordered her big, bad son. The big, bad wolf pulled Red Riding Hood in and brought her in front of his mother. The big, bad wolf mother glared at Red Riding Hood. "Tell me all the naughty things you've done," she demanded. Red Riding Hood obeyed, and gave such a long list that the big, bad wolf mother lifted up her paw to silence her. "That's good enough," she commanded. To her son, she said, "yes, dear, I think she's a suitable friend. By the way, did you do all your chores? I hope you didn't forget to put whoopee cushions on all the chairs at your grandmother's house. Remember, she's having the president of the Big, Bad Wolf Society come over today. She doesn't want to make a bad impression." The big, bad wolf nodded happily.

"Yes, Mummy, I remembered. Can I go out and play now?" His big, bad mother nodded, and said, "Yes, you can go out and play, but first give Mommy a kiss. I have to go home now, your big, bad daddy will be waiting for his supper and news of his big, bad son. Goodbye, and be bad!" She pecked her son on the cheek and sailed out the door. Red Riding Hood looked after her wistfully. "Your mom's really nice," she said to her big, bad friend. He nodded.

"Yeah, she's the best mommy in the whole wide world. Anyways, what did you come here for?"

Red Riding Hood told her woeful story so touchingly that tears came to her big, bad friend's eyes. He sniffed, and Red Riding Hood nodded sadly. "Yes," she said, "such is the way of life. By the way, I've come up with a big, bad plan."

The big, bad wolf's eyes lit up. "Is it better than the last one?" he asked. Red Riding Hood grinned. "Oh, yeah. It's so _totally_ bad! Your mom would be overjoyed. Come on, let's start planning." Red Riding Hood and the big, bad wolf began to talk in earnest.


	3. Huffing, Puffing and Houses Blown Down

**YAY! I'm so happy! My favourite author in the whole of fandom, _Kerichi_, reviewed this story:does a little happy jig: **

**Umm, I'm not really sure how old Red is...in herearly teens, maybe...Wolfie is the same age...as for romance, it doesn't come in here, but if I come up with a decent next chapter (I still have to decide whether or not to continue this story), I assure you that perhaps something will be brewing between our favourite characters! And now, without further ado, let me present to you the next chapter!**

Back in the first clearing, where April had decided to live, April was sitting outside on a lawn chair, enjoying the sun and a cup of lemonade, when she noticed two people coming up the path. She squinted at them, then gulped hard and raced inside her house. It was the big, bad wolf, and someone else who was dressed in red! April knew about the big, bad wolf all too well. The day before, her cousins, the three not-so-little piggies, had been hunted by the big, bad wolf, who had tried to huff and puff and blow their houses down. It had worked on the houses of the first two cousins, Mark and Marcus, but they had managed to get to the third cousin's house, and had burnt the big, bad wolf's tail, and left him crying for his mommy. But they had phoned April to let her know that he was still on the loose, and had told her to be careful. April locked her door and sat on her bed, shaking. A second later, the booming knock came, and the big, bad wolf demanded, "let me in, little pig!"

April gave the traditional answer: "Not by the hairs on my chinny chin-chin!" This time another voice came. It was loud and bullyish, but April could tell it was a girl.

"Let him in, like he says," warned the voice, "or you'll be in deep doggy-doo-doo. So open up!"

April shook even harder, but she gave the same answer. "Not by the hairs on my chinny chin-chin!"

The big, bad wolf gave the traditional response. "Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! HA HA!" And then he huffed, and he puffed and HE BLEW THE HOUSE DOWN! April shrieked and jumped of her bed. She scrambled through the mess as fast as she could, and ran past the big, bad wolf and Red Riding Hood as fast her little piggy legs could carry her. When she left them far behind, she decided to warn her sisters. She wondered where she could find them, but as she walked on, she came to a signpost saying, "Come down this path to meet May, the second little piggy." April ran down the path.

May was sitting outside, reading a book and wearing her 'movie star' glasses. When she heard the sound of someone running down the path, she pushed her glasses up and squinted at the round pink figure that came huffing and puffing down the path. She soon recognized it as her sister. "April, darling," she called. "Come here and rest, do. What's gotten into you?"

April skidded to a stop. "Can't…rest," she gasped. "Must…go…in…house. Big…bad…wolf…teamed up…with…Red Riding Hood…after us…must…go…in…house…" Here it would be rather nice to say she died instantly after conveying this message, and was remembered fondly and with tears as the bravest pig in a century, but that would not be true, and in this story I intend to stick to the truth. Anyways, April was comforted by her sister with a cup of cocoa, and they both huddled together in a shivering heap inside the house. In a few moments the sound of two pairs of feet came closer from outside, and then came the sound of two voices. One was the big, bad voice of the big, bad wolf, and the other was the voice of a big, bad girl. The wolf's voice said, "Hey, this is a straw house. Isn't this supposed to be the first one? I distinctly remember Mummy telling me that when we go hunting for three little piggies, we have to start with the straw house, or everything is upside-down and won't work at all. Or maybe this whole story is a little backwards."

The second voice snorted. "What are you talking about? This is real life, not some story that someone is making up. So we can do whatever we want, and go to the houses in any order we want. Now HURRY UP!"

"Alright," said the wolf, sounding sulky. He turned his attention to the little straw house. He took a deep breath, then yelled, "Let me in, little pigs!"

April and May shook with terror, but they managed to squeak out a reply. "Not by the hairs on our chinny chin-chins!"

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! HA HA!" And he huffed and puffed and he BLEW THE HOUSE DOWN!" April and May jumped up, sneezing, and ran straight past the big, bad wolf and Red Riding Hood as fast as their little piggy legs could carry them. They ran down the path, then stopped, wondering where to find their big sister's house. Just then they saw a sign that read, "Come this way if you want to trespass and want be torn apart by gigantic bulldogs." Underneath, in brackets and small letters, it said, "Come this way to meet June, the third little piggy." April and May stared at it in disbelief, and then April shrugged. "June always was a little aggressive," she said.

"Yes, but she shouldn't have such a rude sign put up," May protested as April led her down the path. Suddenly they heard the sounds of two pairs of big, bad feet coming right towards them.

"RUN!" April screamed, and they tore down the path. They skidded to a halt when they reached a big gate that was guarded by a pair of ferocious bulldogs. "How do we get in?" April gasped, holding a stitch in her side.

"YOU DON"T!" someone yelled from behind the gate.

"June!" May exclaimed. "Let us in! Red Riding Hood and the big, bad wolf are aft-" May didn't even finished her sentence, because at the words 'big, bad wolf', June had already swung the gate open and pulled them in. Then she shut the gate, locked it, and brought them inside, showing them around.

"Let's have a cup of tea, shall we?" said June, and she lit a huge fire in the fireplace and put on a large pot of water to boil. Secretly, April and May thought it a little _too_ large. But June sat down in her chair and began to chat, quite cheerful and seemingly unaware of the danger that the big, bad wolf and his big, bad friend posed.

It was April who brought up the subject. "Er, shouldn't we be a little careful?" she asked, when June paused for breath after telling them about the thrilling hockey match that had been played the night before. "I mean, don't you remember that the big, bad wolf is right outside your gate?"

June grinned. "Yeah, I know," she said. "My doggies will give them some trouble, but they'll get through somehow. Don't worry."

"That's not what I meant," said April. Just then they heard a loud shriek. It seemed to be coming from Red Riding Hood. Then they heard the big, bad wolf. He had climbed over the gate and was urging Red Riding Hood.

"Come on, Red," he said impatiently. "It's easy. Just put your feet on the bars and pull yourself up. Hurry up!"

Red Riding Hood whimpered. "B-but what if I f-fall or something?"

"You won't," said the big, bad wolf, sounding impatient.

The three little pigs giggled. "Imagine a big, bad girl like Red Riding Hood scared of climbing gates," June snickered. Suddenly there was a large thud, and the three pigs rushed to the window. They saw the big, bad wolf on the ground, clutching his stomach and laughing helplessly and nastily. At his feet was a big, red heap. It was Red Riding Hood, and when she lifted her head, they could see stars circling her head. May pointed at her. "Golly! Red stars!" she hooted. So they were, but let's get on with it. As soon as the wolf could control himself, he pulled Red Riding Hood to her feet, and pointed to the window where the three little pigs were looking out. June stuck out her tongue and made a hideous face at him. He did the same back to her, then got down to business. Dragging a still-dazed Red Riding Hood with him to the door, he yelled, "Let me in, little pigs!" April, May and June chorused, "Not by the hair on our chinny chin-chins!" "Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! HA HA!" The big, bad wolf huffed, and he puffed, but he COULDN'T BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN! Then he tried to puff, and huff, and blow the house down, but he couldn't. He tried to do it in about a million other ways, but he still couldn't, and at last his big, bad, hairy face went purple from his exertions and rage. April, May, and June rolled around the floor inside her house, screaming with laughter, because let me tell you, there is probably nothing funnier to see than a wolf who has turned purple when he can't blow your house down. He looked as though he had had a bath in a can of purple paint.

After a while, Red Riding Hood pulled him away from the house and began whispering to him. He calmed down, and some of the purple colour actually left him, but most of it stayed.

You all probably know what's next, but I will say it again just to refresh your memory. Red Riding Hood, who had been giggling a little herself while the big, bad wolf had been tiring himself out, had noticed the chimney, and a ladder that had been conveniently propped up next to it. They tip-toed toward it, oblivious of the fact that April, May, and June were watching their every move.

After glancing around furtively, the big, bad wolf started climbing the ladder. April and May began to lose confidence in their sister, and began to shiver with fear as they heard the sound of the big, bad wolf getting closer. June, however, returned to her armchair and began to hum. "J-June?" whispered May timidly. "A-aren't you forgetting something?" June stopped humming and frowned. "Forgetting something? Jeepers, so I have!" She flew to the fireplace and began to throw in so many logs that flames began to lick the pot. "Stop!" squeaked April. June obeyed and sat back in her armchair.

"Now we wait," she said. In a few minutes they could hear the wolf trying to squeeze himself into the chimney. He got his bottom half in all right, but then he had trouble with his top half. As he struggled to get himself through, Red Riding Hood pushed him, and down he fell through the long chimney. But June had built the chimney carefully, and just before the big, bad wolf landed, he got stuck again. All the three little pgs could see of him was his big, bushy tail. It was still purple. June leapt up.

"Come on!" she yelled, "Pull!" And pull they did. With a loud 'pop' the big, bad wolf fell-and landed in the pot of boiling water.

"Eyowieeeeee!" The big, bad wolf gave a scream so loud that the windowpanes rattled, and, clutching his purple bottom, sped out the door and landed straight into the arms of the police, who had been called by June on her phone. The next moment, Red Riding Hood, who was curious about her friend, slid down herself, and she too, landed in the pot. She jumped up, let out a howl that was the envy of the neighbourhood werewolves, and rushed to the door, where she was held by a police officer. June and her sisters hooted with laughter, for Red Riding Hood's face and bottom were as red as her red riding hood. The police were very grateful to the three little pigs for catching the big, bad wolf and Red Riding Hood because they were wanted for numerous other crimes-especially blowing down the houses of the three not-so-little pigs (whose names were Mark, Marcus and Marco Polo. They were the cousins who had been mentioned before.). Thanking the pigs profusely, the cops hauled away a bawling Wolf and Red Riding Hood off to the county jail.

As for April, May, and June, they lived happily ever after.

**Author note: At the moment, I'm not sure whether or not to continue this story...I'll be wracking my brains for a decent plot, but meanwhile, don't let that stop you from reviewing this and reading my other story (which I consider my best) 'A Fractured Fairytale'. Farewell for now, but let us hope that this is not the end!**


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